Not to be confused with the vintage Marilyn Monroe opus of the same name, Baywatch: River of No Return, for all intents and purposes, is a padded-out (meant only in the nicest sense) episode of "Baywatch," with a bit more slack cut for David Hasselhoff's peculiar tendency to emote by eyebrow.

And eyebrows flail like windshield wipers in a Taiwanese monsoon as Dave Forsakes the security of beach and babes in search of clues to his uncle's death at the hands of slimey prospectors and a gold nugget that's about the size of Shaquille O'Neal's basketball sneaker. Bad guys aside, that his foray also takes Dave and company into vicious whitewater territory called "Devil's Mouth" is a fair indication that we've got a Merryl Streep hand-me-down venue on our hands.

Throw in a subplot that has Nicole Eggert's mom Susan Anton being hounded by a psycho ex-boyfriend and you have one of those precarious balancing acts between craft and kitsch.

How NBC ever came up with the brilliant decision to drop the "Baywatch" series in the first place is left for more astute minds to delve into, but why the show continues to have "legs" seems pretty obvious. The limb quotient in "River" is staggeringly generous but relatively wholesome, keeping well within the Republican Party's contract with America" parameters.

Ironic in some ways when you consider that its stars, Anderson, Eggert, Eleniak and Paul have bared it all in other venues.

This year's blonde Pamela Sue or Pamela Denise as she's billed here, has arguably, the best arches in Hollywood, but gets ample competition from Erica who seems to be striking sylvan peek-a-boo leg and foot poses at every available opportunity.

Take your thrills where you can get 'em, but keep in mind Baywatch: River of No Return will prove a very popular video store item this summer, providing many happy returns for retailers.