The birds and the bees, and a few hundred other creatures of the wild and not-so-wild, could be teaching humans a thing or three about doing it, according to animal mating expert Donna Fernandes, who's about to lead an adults-only Valentine's Day weekend sex tour of Central Park's Wildlife Center.

She should know. She wrote her doctoral thesis in biology on sex change in terrestrial slugs, the New York Post says. And she says some animals, like humans, are quite family-oriented, though sea horses practice a peculiar kind of dual parenting - the female's eggs are fertilized and the male stores them in a stomach pouch until ready to hatch.

Others - again, like humans - are motivated by greed. If you thought Madonna was the Material Girl, you don't know the scorpion fly. Females will not have sex with males until they're presented with a large insect to snack on.

"The bigger the insect," Fernandes says, " the longer the intercourse. "Where a small bug might get the male five minutes, a larger insect will warrant upwards of a 20-minute session." Which might make you wonder what a cicada will bring, if you're planning to date a female scorpion fly, that is.

As part of the tour, the Post says, Fernandes will tell how the birds and the bees really mate, as well as reveal "the amazing varieties" of male genitalia throughout the animal world.

If you're interested in going on the tour, it will be Feb. 12 at 6 p.m. at the Central Park Zoo - for a $35 ticket and registration. You can call (212) 439-6583 for more information.