HOLLYWOOD. Calif.—Conan O’Brien asked for it, and Pink Visual took no time in obliging the newly beleaguered host of the Tonight Show by offering him a job in an industry that actually takes care of its own—hardcore porn. That’s right, a job in porn, doing whatever the hell he wants.
In a monologue earlier this week, Conan—who is clearly smarting from the news that Jay Leno is moving back to the 11:35 p.m. time slot—laid out a number of options he has before him.
One of his options obviously got the fine folk at Pink Visual thinking hard: “Leave television altogether and work in a classier business with happier people, like hardcore porn,” he said, showing a sexy shoulder as a sneak peek at his erotic capabilities.
Wednesday, the Arizona-based company sprang into action, firing off a letter from Brand and Product Manager Kim Kysar to the talented and very tall comedian.
Dear Conan,
I caught your monologue the other [night] about your dilemma concerning the pending shake-up of NBC’s late night programming, and the suggestion that you might “leave television altogether, and work in a classier business with better people, like hard core porn.” I just wanted to let you know that Pink Visual would be elated to have a personable, motivated self-starter such as yourself join our team of merry pornsters.
As our first male “contract star,” you could help us to finally satisfy the as yet unrequited demand for tall, lean, pale, male ‘gingers’ on the part of our fans. I can’t tell you how many emails we receive asking us things like “do you have any videos featuring guys that have a David Caruso kind of thing going on? That would be HOT!”
We couldn’t agree more with our fans, and we think you’re just the man for the job. Just think of the titles we could create together, like “Conan the Boobarian,” “Loco for Coco,” or (if you swing that way, or are open to being “gay for pay”) a gay line entitled “Pound Me, I’m Irish.”
If serving as male “talent” is not what you had in mind, don’t let that stop you from pursuing a career in the lucrative (and lubricated) world of hard-core porn. There are plenty of off-screen opportunities for a talented fellow like you. You could return to your roots as a behind the scenes writer and bring some much needed wit to the world of porn dialogue, or simply add to the list of products you endorse by becoming the “celebrity pitch man” for our hit series MILF Seeker. The possibilities are endless!
I’m sorry that your current employer doesn’t appreciate the value you add to their company, or the years of loyal service you have provided since joining NBC’s late night lineup. I can assure you that if you accept our offer to join the proud, porno-loving team. Here at Pink Visual, we will never abuse you—unless you are in to that sort of thing, in which case I have some much more interesting ideas for that first porn title you star in….
Yours truly,
Kim Kysar
TMZ, as is its wont, picked up on the news right away, but AVN had some follow-up questions, and tracked down Q Boyer—Pink Visual director of public relations and Minister of Sarcasm—for some answers. First, we wanted to know why Pink Visual has responded so plainly to what was so clearly a joke. Why kick a comedian when they’re down?
“In this case,” Q told AVN, “Conan literally asked for it. You can't profess an interest in working in hardcore porn and honestly expect that media-savvy companies like Pink Visual will not respond ... right?” Fair enough. “Besides,” adds Q, “we're only kicking him when he's down if you think it is a ‘kick’ to be offered a job by one of the industry's leading outfits!”
Good point. Pink Visual is the cream of the crop and Conan is a big boy. Who really knows what his plans are for the future. Porn apparently is a classier business and does have happier people. In that case, how much could Conan expect to make if he actually decides to bite?
“Conan will find our rates quite competitive,” said Q. “We're talking (low) 5 figures per movie for solo masturbation, more if he'll do hardcore, even more if he'll go gay for pay (I'm assuming the 'for pay' part is necessary in the first place). If a behind the camera job is more to his liking, we've got openings in the mail room and warehouse all the way up to being my personal marketing assistant. It's an exciting time to be Conan.”
Indeed, it is. And Pink Visual, we might add. “I'm thinking my next offer should be to Pat Robertson,” adds Q, before rushing off to plot his next coup. “Perhaps he'd be interested in a role in some necrophiliac porn. I'd be happy to cast him as a dead body.”
Something we would only be too happy to watch.
