Scott Stein, public relations, Evolved Novelties: “I would recommend Evolved’s Dream Maker Lunar Rabbit. With eight kids she obviously believes there’s strength in numbers, so she’ll appreciate the more than 600 combinations of speed and functions. The Dream Maker is also quiet enough that the kids won’t hear a thing—yet, powerful enough to leave her as shaky as her relationship with John. In fact, the excess quivering might result in a new (and long overdue) hairstyle.”

Laurie Bergquist, senior vice president, Spartacus Enterprises: “If we had our way, Jon and Kate would still be together. We’d recommend a strong set of locking cuffs and some latigo tie-downs to keep Jon from “wandering.” For Kate, one of our ball gags would do the trick—they’re extremely effective when it comes to the prevention of whining. All they needed was some marriage counseling, Spartacus-style!”

Al Bloom, director of marketing, California Exotic Novelties: “One of Calexotics’ Petite Couture items will definitely make Jon a distant memory! These powerful, discreetly sized massagers are soft, flexible, pliable, seamless, and made with 100 percent medical-grade Japanese silicone. The best news for Kate is they are super-quiet, and with eight kids trying to sleep, the last thing needed in that house is a buzz-saw in the bedroom!”

This article originally appeared in the October 2009 issue of AVN.